Penance
by Gigai-Gurl
Summary: Rukia's introspection during her imprisonment at the Shrine of Penitence.


DISCLAIMER: Bleach is owned by Kubo Tite. Not mine. Please don't sue, I'm just a poor student who has become enamored by Bleach.

Notes: My first Bleach fanfic. Yay! Actually, this is my very first fanfic ever. I'm a new Bleach fan and I simply had to write this thing down after watching the anime episodes. Constructive feedback (reviews, comments, um…not-so violent reactions) is very much welcome and appreciated. I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it. Doomo!

**PENANCE**

"_What a grand thing to be loved, what a grander thing still, to love." – Victor Hugo_

How long has it been? 5, 10 or 14 days, perhaps? In this place with small windows, winding stairs and silent walls, time doesn't seem to exist. And no matter how many times I look out this window, the sky remains the same - bright blue against a sunless horizon. Yet, the blade of the Soukyoku glimmered against the unseen light.

"Those imprisoned in this tower are meant to repent the crimes they have committed by gazing upon the Soukyoku through the small windows built into the tower," said the guard who brought me here. "This is why this place is called the Shrine of Penitence."

I have wondered about my crime. A crime that Soul Society deemed unforgivable, that the only punishment is death. A crime so unspeakable, that I need to give penance to with my life…with my soul.

And yet…I have no regrets.

Not that I have no remorse for what I have done. But it is because to regret would only prove that those past two months were meaningless and insignificant. And to me, it was not, because in my mind and in my heart, it was happier times.

Happier times…hmm…these are the words I told him on that night I went back. "You have little time to live, just lie there and think of happier times," I said. How amusing that I find myself doing the very same thing. The only difference is, there will be no one to tell me to think of happier times when death comes.

_Symphathy, friendship and true love._ I have thought that these feelings will just become a burden once I leave that other world. That all those emotions will be gone and I will be back to my old self again – confident, brave, efficient, and in-control. I was wrong, of course. Those feelings are still with me, filling my emptiness.

Now that I am here alone in this cold, unmerciful place, I refuse to let go of those feelings. I will hold onto them as long as I can even if it feels like I am holding sand that is slowly slipping out of my fingers. These and the memories, of him and of everyone I met, are all I have left to take with me.

I am Kuchiki Rukia, once a proud shinigami and member of the Soul Society, now just a lowly criminal awaiting her death. I have given my powers to Kurosaki Ichigo so he could save his family.

But sometimes, I doubt if that was my intention in the first place. As I sit here staring out into nothingness, I cannot help but feel that maybe the real reason was because I had failed as a shinigami. We are, after all, the protectors of human souls.

Back then, I failed to fulfill that duty and instead, decided to pass the responsibility to him - a responsibility that was too heavy for any human to carry. Its consequences were even greater and much graver than I had imagined. And because of me…because of what I have done, his fate had been twisted and he had been hurt terribly.

If Soul Society based its judgment on this, I willingly accept it, for deep inside my heart I am guilty. And no matter what I do, I can never fully atone for what I have done to him. Such was the gravity of my crime that death is a fitting punishment.

But there are times when I look back at everything that happened and feel that I had made the right decision to give him my powers. It is selfish, I know, but I would not be able to live with the thought that I didn't do anything to save him and his family. I had to do it, even if it meant changing his normal life and losing mine.

_Sympathy, friendship and true love. _Who was it that said, "and the greatest of them all is love?" Perhaps, it was love that moved me to give up the powers I have. When I saw how worried he was for his family's safety, my decision was made even though I was fully aware of the consequences that would befall us. My urgent resolve to help him weighed greater than the call of duty.

The die was cast and so, there was no turning back.

I have never seen such love in my lifetime. Maybe, I felt it once but that was a long time ago. I hardly remember the feeling anymore. Family? I never had one…except when I was adopted into the Kuchiki clan. And even then, to be loved and to love in return, just like him, were so elusive for me. So, when I witnessed what he had done in my place, I was glad my powers had saved him, his family, his friends and other people. I probably could not have done as much.

It is funny because lately, I keep telling myself, "No regrets" more and more. I know I am probably contradicting myself. But I guess, it is just my futile attempt to be brave. As the day goes by and my imminent end is near, I could not help myself. I feel so much sadness in me, so much loneliness, and yes, so much regret.

I regret that I would not be able to see everyone I met in that other world again. They made me feel I belonged there even though I kept telling myself I didn't. But most of all, I regret that I would not be by his side anymore. Despite our blatant differences, he has grown into me, that one. Even though he treated me with such disrespect. It is strange, but he was someone I could trust completely.

I remember vividly, like it was last night, the last time I saw him. He was lying there in pain; his face, confused and hurt by my words and actions. I wish there was some way I could have told him that it was for his own good, that it was all for the best…that I do not want him to die. But all I could do was look ahead and tried really hard not to look back again, lest he saw how worried I was for him. I had to be brave so he would not lose heart to live.

I hope he can forgive me…

The horizon outside remains the same and the tools that will execute me remain sharp as ever. Soon they will come for me on my final hour. But I will not shed tears when that time arrives. I will just silently say my goodbyes in the hope that my thoughts could travel through the impenetrable walls and into the other world –the world of the living.

Minna-san, thank you for your friendship and for the good times we had during the days I was there among you. It does not matter, really, if all of you did not remember me, that my existence is as transient as the wind in your minds. What is important is that I remember all of you and I will take my memories of you with me._ Arigatou._

Ichigo, I pray that you would forgive me. _Gomen ne?_ I know I should have said it sooner, back when I was still there with you but I was simply too proud. There is really a lot I want to say but my many thoughts will probably not reach you in time. Just the same, thank you for showing me the kind of love that could bring two worlds together. But most of all, thank you for teaching me how to love again.

_Aishiteru._

**The End.**


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